Please don't look me in the eyes
you might catch a glimpse of my inadequacy
I try so hard to be what you need me to be
only now in the end can I finally see
I can't be anyone but myself
regaining consciousness of my own identity
is not something that will come readily
knowing the truth is always easier
in theory than in application
I'm not scared, its a battle worth fighting
a road I must travel on my own I know
but in reaching my final destination
I will find peace and stability in being me.

People are constantly telling me how I need to get into blogging. And most they are right. Blogging is the type of thing I'm into, especially considering all of the writing and journaling I do. I've always put off blogging thought because I felt like I would have to go into great detail and explain my whole past and history, and at this point in my life that's not something I'm ready to to do.
I was thinking about it today and decided there really aren't any rules for blogging. Just some common sense and etiquette. So there is nothing to prevent me from blogging even though I'm not ready to give up my past. (ha, insightful choice/play on words there)
Just for things to make sense here's is the bare bone things people reading these should know.

My parents are divorced, my father an alcoholic who doesn't care to spend time or have a relationship with me.
I live in a house with my mom, twin younger sisters, my maternal grandparents and my great grandmother. (Poor Grandad....one man in a house full of women.)
I attend the community college full time, which is also where I work as the technical assistant for the Fine Arts Theatre.
I'm a total drama kid and ended up with more drama in my life than I have ever seen on stage.

I've come to the realization that I keep constantly making the same mistakes wonder why I'm always getting hurt. I had never made the connection between my choice of actions and my emotional/spiritual state of well being. Since this is a newly made observation, I'm going to be taking time to analyze my life to see first why I keep practicing destructive behavior and try to achieve a solution to overcome it.
I know part of it is relenting and being myself and giving up trying to "Chameleon" into what other people want. If I am not living for myself, I don't think I'm really living at all. Plus if I'm not me, who is going to be?
Another major part is giving up on boys. I have too many good things going in my life and and I am too motivated and dedicated to waste my time chasing after boys. When the time is right they will come chasing after me. (at least one can hope right?)

Blogging is pretty new to me. This is just a general introduction. If you liked it great, if not, no sweat off of my back. This isn't really intended for you anyway. It's part of my personally prescribed therapy.
I'm going back to studying. Finals are this week and I am going to get all A's again this semester.

Have a wonderful night

Tacee.

So much has changed in just a short amount of time. I'm not the girl I used to be, nor am I the woman I wanted to become. Caught somewhere in the middle between the past and the future, there is the reality call the present. Dreams and goals have shifted, old ones forgotten and replaced by smaller things. Stupid mistakes have been made, truth has been traded for the lies. How could I have forgotten who I once was. What have I become? Tell me where are the ones who said they never leave? Left and gone for good. Time is running out, I'm left with no way out. Who's going to be the one to rescue me? How quickly the tide can turn. People say one thing and then do another. My heart has been beaten and bruised by the ones who whisper with the smooth beat to their words that makes me want to believe them. Yet I'm still strong. I will rise about my circumstances and survive. I will live my life as my own. Not held back by their opinions. I'm not the victim. I'm a survivor.

What TWO things come to mind when you think of:

1. The Zoo - San Antonio, Penguins
   
2. The Beach - Sand, Pink Dolphin
   
3. The Mall - Too crowded, need new clothes
   
4. The Weekend - Mellow, the park
   
5. The News - depressing, inaccurate

My ego isn't quite as strong as it should be, but it's stronger than it was back then. Choosing to take a stand and find what makes ME happy helps infuse it and prod it to grow. I've found books, culture, writing, music and good conversation to be like the nutrition I need to help it grow.

Yep today is free hug day... go share the love.

Sometimes, just having a little cry makes all the difference.
I feel better now.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this.... It just made me swell up on the inside and feel like I CAN change the world.
Thanks to Apple :)

Heres to the crazy ones

Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels. The trouble makers.
The round pegs in square holes.

The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.

You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbeleive them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.

They invent.
They imagine.
They heal.
They explore.
They create.
They inspire.
They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.

While some see them as the crazy ones,
We see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

A beautiful story:
Once a man was walking along a beach. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. Off in the distance he could see a person going back and forth between the surf's edge and and the beach. Back and forth this person went. As the man approached he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide. The man was stuck by the the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to perish. As he approached the person continued the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them into the surf. As he came up to the person he said, "You must be crazy. There are thousands of miles of beach covered with starfish. You can't possibly make a difference." The person looked at the man. He then stooped down and pick up one more starfish and threw it back into the ocean. He turned back to the man and said, "It sure made a difference for that one!"

I went through what could be labeled a dry spell where I could hardly write anything at all. I think I'm over that now though because I want to write for everything. It's like there are just so many words inside my head waiting to escape. Yeah so some of the stuff I write doesn't make sense to anyone else, or if it doesn't it's not that good, but just the fact that I can get it out of my head is a wonderful feeling. Keeping everything trapped on the inside for so long, I've learned is not good at all. I feel so much clearer now that I have some of the stuff out on paper. It's easier to organize and make sense of everything when you can put it down on paper and look at it, rather than just leaving it in your head and dwelling on it.

Someone was trying to influence me with negativity today. He compared my goal of becoming a theatre teacher for inner city, low income, high risk kids to someone wanting to be a race car driver, then asking to be given the slowest worst car possible. He thinks I'll be wasting my time with those kids. The ignorance of people frustrates me so much sometimes. Who is he to say I won't make a difference? Plus he doesn't know those kids... how does he know I can't make a difference. Just because they come from broken homes and families and don't have the same financial resources that other people do does not mean they aren't humans with feelings and intelligent ideas. If I don't do anything at all with the rest of of my life but make a difference in ONE child's life. Everything will be worth it.
I'm tired of people telling me that it's a lost cause or not worth my time. What if someone said that about you? No one is a lost cause. You just have to know how to reach them on the level they're at. People just don't want to waste the time/resources to  try to get to that level. Well I'm willing to make a difference no matter what, and I don't have time for anyones negativity.